Well, lookit that….

October 24th, 2011

My daddy always used to say “…the road to Hell was paved with good intentions.” I wonder if that extends to those of us with ADD who start out with such good plans to change ourselves, to raise our kids right, keep the house clean, grow veggies, eat veggies, walk the dogs…. Well, you get the idea.

I was looking for notebook paper to once again try and make a monthly menu so I could shop more efficiently and I thought, oh, that binder I have…the one with the white horses on it…I’ve never kept up with the journal I started in it, literally 20+ years ago…there’ll be a ton of unused notebook paper in there. It’ll be a bit old, but still usable, no need to open one of the spare packs I have for the kiddo. Well, yes, there was, is, a ton of notebook paper in it. Also, dividers (labeled “Contract,” “Routines & Lists,” “Journal,” “Menus & Shopping,” “Diet & Workout”, a contract with myself, and a zipper pouch of pens, ruler, and stickies.  “facepalm” Wanna know the date?  19 JUL 09.  Yes, 2009. *eyeroll and another facepalm*

I don’t know whether to be heartened by the fact that apparently nothing’s (or very little) changed in my outlook, or to be very disturbed nothing’s changed in my outlook.

*confused look*

So, here’s the contract I wrote out then (and I REALLY wish WP would preserve Word formatting):

I.  Whereas –

A.  I am tired of being…

  1. tired all the time,
  2. fat,
  3. stiff,
  4. in pain,
  5. in a disaster zone,
  6. financially out of control,

B.  I am disconnected from…

  1. family,
  2. my body,
  3. nature,
  4. the Divine,
  5. my creativity,

C.  I am Squandering…

  1. years,
  2. talents,
  3. resources,

II.  I recognize I am…

A.  Intelligent,

B.  Talented,

C.  Resourceful,

D.  Determined,

E.  The only one who can change ME

III. Therefore, I resolve…

A. To Rejuvenate by…

  1. stretching,
  2. following a workout plan,
  3. getting the proper amount of rest,
  4. making healthy food choices,
  5. develop my household routines,
  6. create and follow a budget and pay-off plan

B.  To reconnect by…

  1. having family meals at the table,
  2. include Mother in more things,
  3. meditate and pray
  4. invite the Divine in through prayer and ritual,
  5. set aside time for creating,

C.  [To remind myself]….

  1. life is short, spend every moment wisely,
  2. things don’t have to be perfect,
  3. appreciate and use what I do have and not bemoan what I don’t have,
  4. life is a work in progress and will never be finished.

IV.  My priorities are…

A.  To not overload by…

  1. trying to do it all at once,
  2. losing perspective,
  3. expecting immediate results,
  4. forgetting the larger picture by getting caught up in the details.

B.  Every night…

1.review the day

a. What did I accomplish?

b.  What was left undone?

  • move to the next day –or–
  • re-evaluate – do I need to do it

–tomorrow?

–another time?

–does something else need to get done first?

  • Does a schedule or routine need to be changed based on a/b?
  • [Write in journal, especially things I am thankful for]

2. review and prioritize tomorrow

3.  follow the routine

C.  Remember I am part of the web…

1.  I am central to my, if I don’t care of my needs, no one else will,

2.  [but] I also touch and impact others,

3.  some small thing I do –or don’t do–can resonate billions of light years away, plucking the web and thereby change the Universe,

D. don’t let “C” get [me] down,

E.  don’t be your own worst enemy,

F.  follow thru through [hahahahah]

G.  KISS (keep it simple, silly!)

19 July 2009 then, is the first day of the rest of my life, the day I choose to be reborn. I make this covenant with myself, the Divine within and without as my witness.

I was going to rewrite or type up the contract but I want it to be as is, imperfect, fluid, dynamic, and alterable, like life itself.

Follow through!

//signed//

19 July 2009

————————————-

It would be laughable…it is laughable…but it’s exactly what I would write today.  There’s some reason I found this today, some pivotal moment, I suppose. Trying not to read too terribly much into it, but I’m renewing this and am going to put effort into seeing it through.

 

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The road to hell…and all that jazz

November 13th, 2010

I can’t figure out if I’ve really been that busy or if I have a mental block against posting…or if there’s just so many ideas running around in my ADHD-addled brain that I can’t figure out what I want to post on.  If I posted on every little idea that staggers along, there’d be a kabillion and one little, disjointed posts. I have a notebook with me, but usually when I’m thinking about such things, I can’t write…you know, potty breaks, on the bus, etc. (I can’t read, write, crochet, or use the computer in a moving vehicle or I get seasick).

Recently I’ve had posts in mind about obesity, politics, religion…huh…what else is new…but also my house, products, decorating, sewing, etc, etc. *sighs*  I guess if I can’t actually DO those things, I can waste time writing about them eh?

In tech news, Microsoft has done some king of weird merge with Instant Messenger (IM) and all your social media. The result…crap. I use my Hotmail account for two things (well, three, if you count IM): Facebook and for those things online where you don’t want to put your REAL email account. I don’t want it, or FB connecting to everything else I have. It’s not that I have anything to hide, per se, but there are elements of my life I’d just really not like terribly public, you know? FB is my public face. I have friends who are co-workers, students in our department, relatives, friends who are not necessarily in my “inner circle,” as it were, and I’d rather the two worlds not collide. although a couple of my close family read this site, I’d really like to keep the rest of the fambly blissfully ignorant of it. R says-re work and the ‘net–to get ready for the “cloud.” WTF-ever the “cloud” is. I neither want nor need my life clouded, thank you very much. There is a sufficient number of people, were they to stumble across this site and read it, who could quite handily figure out who I am. That’s fine, I have no problem with that, but I don’t want to advertise.

I have an LJ account and I’ve not posted out there in ages. Every once in a blue moon, I go out and catch up on everyone’s posts (I have about 6 or 7 friends there), but haven’t felt compelled to post. I’ve even been half-tempted to delete my FB account recently, after a mutual FB/LJ friend (and a very close personal friend) posted that some of her FB friends should “shut [our] cakeholes” in response to a comment on FB, and a vicious attack by a guy I went to HS with. (Did you know, all you liberals, that we’re un-American, stupid, ignorant, uneducated morons? Makes me wonder how the hell I graduated from one of the top universities in this country in a fairly difficult degree, with a high GPA and how I got the job I have, with the military, no less…dang…I’m such an un-American moron. Ppfftt)

The cakehole thing is a perfect example of the anonymity of the internet. While this friend might have gotten testy with me in person for saying something (and trust me, it really wasn’t that bad), she never would have gone off on anyone the way she did on the ‘net. (To put my feelings in perspective, she said several people had made comments, but as far as I could see, I was the only one.) Perhaps I’m overreacting; it has been known to happen and I will admit the post was not directed at me personally, but I still was hurt.

(For the record, I find the terms “piehole” and “cakehole” to be extremely rude and offensive, so perhaps that added to the overall feeling of hurtness. Dunno. They’re just words I never use, kind of like “scumbag,” or “douchebag.”  Just.plain.rude.)

I find, in general, that we say things–well type them–behind the shield of the ‘net that we would never, ever in a million years say person to person. Makes me wonder if WWIII will be caused by two or three heads of state going at each other via e-mail some day.

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And then again…

October 17th, 2010

I had some brilliant discussion going in my head (I won’t tell you where I was, but I’ve heard it said ’tis the seat of all brilliant thought) and had no paper suitable for writing, so of course, now hours later, I can’t recall it. Something to do with questioning the authority of That Book.

There are many misbeliefs concerning religion, spirituality, and religion vs. spirituality. The best definition I heard–I’d credit it, but I can’t remember where I read it, although I’m pretty sure it was Dianne Sylvan’s preliminary intro for her maybe new non-fic work, but she’s taken the link down, so I can’t check it–is that religion is public, what you do in a group, it’s the trappings, the ritual, the building (if any), codified thought, etc. Whereas spirituality is private, between you and your deity(ies). It could, therefore, be argued that an Atheist has a religion: public “averrance” (is that a word? Apparently, a lot of people think so on the ‘nets, but in fact, it’s not) that there is no god, goddess, higher being, deity, divine one, insert euphemism of your choice, and that by the very nature of that faith, there can be no spiritual side to Atheism. On the other hand, I suppose it could follow that spiritually, the Atheist believes there’s no god, that is his/her personal belief and because there is no god, there cannot be a religion because there’s no church, no dogma, ritual or buildings….except that they DO have dogma, trappings, a library…so it fits the requirements of a religion.

I have no issues with Atheism, it’s as valid a belief system as any out there. And just as filled with misinformation, hatred, and misunderstanding as the next set of beliefs. I think the funniest thing I’ve seen on their “official” site is “religion is ridiculous.” *snorts* Well…you’ve just said your belief system is ridiculous. Like it or not, if you believe “religion” is a belief system, then Atheism does in fact fall into the category of religion, although etymologically, I’m incorrect. I will continue to think of a faith in the absence of [euphemism of choice] and the public trappings of that faith constitute a religion, a religion without spirituality.

It would be amusing, if it weren’t so scary, to watch the two sides, the RTCs* and the Atheists slug it out, metaphorically speaking of course. And…the RTCs wouldn’t be alone. There would be the RTMs, the  RTJs, the RTPs** to name a few, all against the Atheists, and then when the As had been suitably reprogrammed, the RTXs would start on each other. I think we Pagans would just kind of roll our eyes at all of them and hare off to the woods to have a bit of fun, letting everyone else self-destruct.

Ah, such fancies I amuse myself with. Where was I? Oh yes, That Book. I don’t knock That Book (TB), it has some rather worthwhile things in it, neither do I think it’s a record of who hung the moon and stars…well, perhaps Who, but not how.  I do not see TB as the be-all, end-all, definitive authority on AEU*** Objectively, how can it be? I mean really, if the RTCs would get their collective heads out of their collective asses, they’d realize this.  Hey, far be it from me to try and convince them…as long as they return the favor. I think that’s my take on almost all religions. As long as you aren’t sacrificing small children or animals, do whatever the fargle you want to do, just don’t try to push your twaddle off on me. If I’m…whoa…I just had a lightbulb moment…If I’m destined to be one with X-faith, I will find it.  Someone correct me, but I believe that the Xtians are the only religious bunch who proselytize…everyone else takes the stand that you can come seek us out. Pagans don’t, Muslims don’t, I know Baha’i don’t… Jews don’t, neither do Hindus, Buddhists… The lunatic fringe groups don’t count, btw…being lunatic fringe by definition requires you to seek out adherents and then suck them in by whatever means. I would list those I consider dangles in that fringe, but lunatic trolls are not my faves.

As  you can tell, none of this is very intellectual, or researched; really more just ramblings about the absurdities in the world. Why is religion so important? Why have so many died in the name of religion, yet we keep coming back to it? I can’t dismiss the idea of the Whole being greater that the sum of its parts. The Divine is that which ever was, is, and ever will be….everything, every neutrino, atom, molecule, person, place, or thing.  Throughout the Universe, not just in our tiny speck of a galaxy, let alone this microscopic rock we tenuously hold onto. That solidarity makes me connected to the RTCs, the As, the Agnostics, the lunatic fringe…the whole lot of them, here and on planet Xenon. My atoms are filled with the Energy that became the Universe, whether you believe it just banged into existence, was created in six days by a curious Old Man with a Beard, or carefully orchestrated into a dynamic,self-supporting mystery by a Source so unimaginably vast that the Universe just giggles every time we state “By God! This is the Way It Happened!”

*Real True Christians as out-lined in Slacktivist.
**Muslims, Jews, and Pagans, respectively (pardon me while I omit the other 90 kabillion recognized faiths of the world)
***Absolutely Everything in the Universe

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To self or not to self

August 10th, 2010

I must admit I was a bit self-indulgent tonight. After I went up and registered W for his new middle school (and talked to a counselor there–wow, what a novel concept, a counselor who was actually interested in helping a student, in talking to him! The ones at his old middle school didn’t even return your calls or your emails, let alone give a hooey about a student), I went up to World Market and browsed for about 45 minutes. Got some licorice and a bottle of wine (pinot grigio), strictly for the beautiful cobalt blue bottle it’s in–I hope it’s at least decent, a stocking stuffer for #1 child, a table runner on sale, some orange marmalade, and a pair of wine stoppers in colors I just couldn’t resist. Me-time & money I couldn’t really afford. Dammit.

But you know, lately I keep thinking about the fact that I’m tired in mind, body, and soul…I’ve been working for nigh onto 40 years and quite frankly, there is no retirement in sight. Not unless the BOMITS fairy strikes.* Just knowing I spent almost 50 bucks on things I didn’t really need should be a large enough clue that I don’t handle money well, so it’s no stretch that I have credit up the wazoo that needs paying off. If I didn’t I’d be rolling in extra cash each month. What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

I’m in too much pain in feet, hands, shoulders, hips, knees, wrists to even think about a second job. I’m dead when I get home from the first one as it is. No energy to do anything but eat some totally unhealthy crap, check email, play a few minutes of some mindless game, write a bit, read a bit (all of which can be done either sitting in a chair or in bed), and then die until 6:30 the next day. I know, I know, better diet, more activity=more energy, etc. I can’t even get to that point. I’m just bloody tired.

Said friend Laura (see below) goes home and knits a wildebeest after work. Now..I admit, I’ve got 23 years on her and carry more weight for my height, but it’s just agravating. There’s so much I want to do. A lot of it is just that my spirit is dead. I’ve been schlepping papers for someone else for so long, I have lost any sort of self identity. All I can do is be a cranky know-it-all. Is that all there is, Alfie?

*BOMITS: Bag of Money in the Street, credited to my gorgeous friend, Laura.

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Grand Fubar

August 10th, 2010

A friend of mine posted on Live Journal the other day about some huge conflagration of heavenly bodies in some astrological hooha known as the Grand Cross. Planets are at right angles, stars and constellations are trined and plaited and goddess only knows what up there to cause some sort of weirdness with the Universe.  You know, if you go in for all that.

Makes me wonder, though. Another friend of mine has been having a rash of klutziness…breaking things, cutting herself, putting things on wrong, etc. and today I’m about to go postal on the next poor slob who asks me anything.

Part of it is the move. I’ve just HAD it…up to here *indicates a foot over head*. Everyone seems to think I’m this grand, walking font of knowledge and that I can solve all sorts of problems and have limitless strength and patience, and worse, that I give a flying foo about those problems in the first place.

None of that is true. Yes, I know some things, yes, I put up with a HELLUVA lot before I break, but it’s not limitless. I spent 15 minutes in the loo crying, throwing things, and talking to myself like Gollum this afternoon…I’m hoping once the push to get everything put away, organized, and neatened, and the beginning of the semester will ameliorate some of my hypersensitivity to bullshit. Probably not. Maybe the Grand Fubar will shift enough and I’ll start spouting poetry and painting things pink.

Aaahhh…better I should go postal on your ass.

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